Our Daughter is Born
My experience with the hospital healthcare system during the birth of a human life, our precious daughter. All names have been changed.
Kavita is so cute, and we both can't help but feel that way pretty much all day long. She's especially cute when sitting on my lap to feed from the bottle and she makes that urgent gulping sound with her hands outstretched. Her mind is pure, with twice as many neurons as she'll ever have, I read in a book I just bought. And the pruning begins. I can't help but think of all the things that could be going on in that mind, from that perspective. She seems rapt looking up at the walls and lights when I lift her up. I put my nose in her mouth this morning when she was begging for food, and she proceeded to suck away - so funny. There are details to being a parent that no one can tell you or read about, so I'm entering that world, and we'll see where that leads us.
On Monday I worked from home while it was only Celine's second day off after quitting her job. She was on edge all day and kept saying that Kavita was coming soon. I didn't expect her to arrive the next morning though, 20 days from the expected date. I hadn't fully prepared myself with things like reading up on labor and parenting, baby products, etc. But we did get the car seat installed that weekend and the crib set up an hour before she started her contractions. Maybe those cues helped push what happened next. Celine went to bed around 11:30, but about 15 minutes later, she said her water broke! I called the insurance company's nurse line, and the nurse asked a bunch of questions and recommended we go to the hospital. We called our OB/GYN clinic and got things ready to drive out. I was trying to stay calm for Celine, but she was in another state completely. She took jeans and a shirt that were both too tight when she tried them on a few days later. I should have driven faster, and she said that was the longest trip ever.
When we finally got to the registration area around 1:20 AM, it was closed, so we dreaded having to walk all the way to the emergency room to register. Celine actually had to stop because of her contractions. Luckily, the supervisor leaving her shift saw us as she was about to go down the elevator and signed us in. Things started really hitting me, and everything was urgent, and I began to perceive people's expressions more. But these nurses go through this every night, so they tended to us in a routine manner. A nurse soaked a blotter on her, and it turned a color, so she was definitely ready. It was only around 2 AM or so when she called her parents and begged them to drive out to the hospital. A nurse asked if she wanted an epidural and that if she ever needed it, it was there for her. It was just the whole attitude that struck me. This nurse then asked a bunch of questions and had her sign some papers. Then we moved to the actual birthing room. They said they were short staffed, so they left after that, and some other nurse took over. Again, this was everyday for them, so I guess the new nurse didn't feel a need to even acknowledge me. Her pain was getting worse, so they hooked her up to the IV drip and monitors, and this is when I felt the technocratic aspect of the system became annoying. She was now bound to the bed, and all the videos I saw in Lamaze class or from the library of women walking around, getting into different positions, in the bathroom, etc., was no longer relevant or possible. The birth plan that Celine drafted to discuss with the doctor had a question about whether she had the option to be monitored at all, but it was just slapped on her.
Celine's contractions became really painful, and I began to get nervous about what was happening to her. She said her back was in intense pain. She really wanted an epidural, as they kept reminding her of that option. At first, I tried to show her that she should resist, but it seemed she couldn't last through this level of pain for another few hours. The monitor showed the number spike up to around 50 or higher in correlation with her excruciating pain, and this was happening at a steady rate every few minutes. So she agreed to the epidural, and they had her sign the paperwork for that, and the anesthesiologist came in to needle her. So after this, she no longer felt the pain, but the contractions progressed at a steady rhythm. The nurse left for probably half an hour and left us there. She became very sleepy, and she actually dozed off a few times. Her parents and sister arrived around 3 AM, and looking back, they should have gotten their sleep before coming. We were all chatting for a few hours, which I thought wasn't the most appropriate thing to do. I thought this relaxed atmosphere might influence her progress.
At around 6 AM, the nurses deemed her contractions to be too intense for the baby, so they decided to slow them down with what I overheard one nurse say was 'terb'. I had never heard of terbutaline, and I can't believe that they would just decide to do something like that without a doctor or without consulting with us. This is how it is, this attitude- terb. Also, when we called the OB/GYN before arriving to the hospital, the doctor on call was Dr. W, and she showed up finally around 6:30, but after a few minutes in there, looking like this was just another day, she left. She also did not acknowledge me. This is the humanity of the people that we endow to deliver life into this world. The contractions became slower after the terbutaline shot, and Celine began to sleep for minutes at a time. Around this time, two new nurses came in, and they began helping Celine start the pushing. The previous nurse was gone by this time. Who needs a doctor or nurses to know the complete history, when everything can be tag teamed. The main nurse, D, did a great job of helping Celine push, so I'm glad she was there, because I was being too quiet in helping her out, although I tried to show the urgency at key points. D was mentoring a student nurse who seemed to not know anything.
Dr. M then took over for Dr. W, I suppose because her shift ended at 7? If Dr. M needed to know what happened before she arrived, I guess she could consult with Dr. W, not that she was in the room for more than 5 minutes. The pushing was an intense experience, and it flew by fast when they announced that Kavita was born at 9:26 AM. When the pushing started, I grabbed onto Celine's right thigh. She says I helped her a lot. I wished that the bed were more inclined. I felt sorry that her legs were propped up for so long- I was worried about the blood flow. In the video of her pushing, it looks exhausting, and I can't believe she did that for an hour and a half, since it flew by so fast. The nurses kept changing the padding below her throughout the time, and during the pushing, a trickle of blood would flow down. During some of the pushing, I could see a tiny bit of Kavita's head and slimy black hair from the mirror, so that was exciting. It was interesting how the pushing moved to another level once the doctor decided to drop the platform at the edge of the bed to get closer to Celine, and the nurses got into yellow gear and even face masks. I knew this was part of trying to get the urgency to another level to help push the baby out. Finally, the doctor told Celine before her last push that after the next push, she would have to perform an episiotomy if the baby wasn't out. So Celine says that really motivated her. A few days later, we were talking to a nurse in the nursery, and she asked how long it took Celine to push Kavita out, noticing how tiny a baby she was. She was surprised and said jokingly it should have taken 'two or three pushes!'
Kavita appeared to the outside world all covered in slime and that yellow vernix, which surprised me a little. Celine was elated about Kavita, but she wouldn't be able to hold her for another 50 MINUTES after birth! Just thinking about that makes me so frustrated! Kavita was placed under the heat lamps for another nurse to clean and check her, get weighed, have a tag wrapped around her leg, get blood samples, etc. No one told us about these things. I remember this great experience where she had her left eye open, but not quite her right eye, crying with her mouth quivering and arms and legs twitching. She seemed so red and naked, yet so strong in her cries and determination. She looked at me with that eye, and I tried to connect with her in my emotional state. I touched her a few times to reassure her, but they wouldn't let me hold her in my arms when I asked. This nurse was slowly explaining things to yet another student nurse. I think if that student weren't there, the process would have taken about 20 minutes, but that still seems so long. Why do they need to poke her foot for blood tests at that point? Can't they weigh her on the scale or wipe her clean after Celine gets to hold her? It was truly frustrating standing there all that time over Kavita and Celine can't hold her until the clock says 10:15, and I didn’t want Kavita’s first experience to be one of tension, so I didn’t protest. D subtly chided the nurse for not having the blood test ready, because there was a delay in that.
Dr. M finished stitching up Celine around this time. After awhile, Celine, Kavita, and I were left all alone, and seeing Celine hold Kavita, I started to well up thinking about the beauty of life and love. But then Celine's parents and sister started to come in, so our moment alone for those few seconds was lost. Celine was escorted to her room after lunchtime in a wheelchair, while I got to cart Kavita along. Some nurses got to see her and congratulate us. I went down to get Celine a bunch of food for her to recover with, but hospital food is inappropriate for a mother trying to nourish her depleted body just after birth. The scrambled eggs I’m sure were pasture-raised! Then she took a nap, and I got to hold Kavita for over an hour, just staring at her and taking it all in. She is like a living doll, we keep saying to ourselves. Her movements are so robotic, and she is so tiny.
I cannot tolerate the medical establishment. Do they really have to give over 10 shots to a newborn by her second day of life? Whisk her off to a room every three or four hours and draw huge amounts of blood? Kavita also had to take a mandatory car seat test, given to babies who weigh below five and a half pounds at birth. She had to be monitored for 90 minutes in her seat in the nursery. Such a ridiculous waste of time and separation from the mother. And even though the nurse and doctor told us that her bilirubin did NOT fall below the critical level of 10,000 (can’t remember the units), they wanted to be cautious about jaundice and put her under the lights overnight, from 10 pm to about 7 am, naked and blindfolded. Money, money, more money, milk it! They had to bottle feed her during this time, and so this is a way to get babies to drink formula, because, like in Celine’s case, her breastmilk wasn’t flowing enough, one reason being that Kavita wasn’t there to nurse. And what if she did have jaundice, if she ever did? It just goes away, like in a lot of Asian babies. And again nobody told us to expect these things, so I feel so sorry for all the mothers that go through these traumas without ever knowing what to expect. The whole point of all of this health ‘care’ I thought is to nurture and care (to have heart, like ‘cardiac’), but the opposite is happening, the dozens of shots and boosters in the schedule, the sterile environment, etc. Kavita did not enjoy the booster shot she received for hep B at her one-month physical exam, and she slept for a very long time that day. She cried a lot and felt drowsy after waking up. It seems to me, they want to create the kinds of kids that can survive through these hoops- circumcisions, C-sections, the processed diet, etc.
…
May 2nd, Friday morning, around 2 AM. I woke up from my sleep to bottle feed Kavita after Celine got through breast feeding her. Kavita was wide awake this time, and her eyes were so wide and happy. In my half-awake state, I was captivated by her cuteness more so than usual. She really got me. I just couldn't believe how adorable she was and how happy she was staring at me while sucking away. I think we really connected more than usual. Another time last week, after we walked her around Greenbriar Park, I was about to fall asleep and Celine went to get the new Alimentum formula that the pediatrician recommended, so I fell asleep for a few minutes with Kavita sleeping on my belly. Those few moments were so sweet while I was asleep.
It is May 3rd now, so the newness is waning, and I can't really capture exactly how I felt in the first two weeks when Kavita was in the house. But I wanted to write about the first few days when Celine would be asleep and I would take care of Kavita around midnight or later. I had rented Alexander Nevsky before Kavita was born, so when we came back from the hospital, I hadn't finished watching all of it. So I was cradling Kavita, and she was trying to figure me out and all the newness. I remember her looking at my bare shoulder and the lights. So when I was watching the old black and white Russian movie with the old sound and directing, I was transported back to some impressions of myself in Korea watching black and white warrior movies or old Korean movies that I can barely remember. The room I'm sure was not our house, but maybe Mom's parents' or aunt's house- you know how memories meld with each other, or with imaginings or dreams. So although Kavita is way too young to even remember these moments later in her life, I can imagine what she will go through later on when she is able to feel these wonderful impressions of life. I always feel these first sweet impressions that we form are the foundations for other impressions that we get from songs, movies, etc. So it's nice to imagine things from her perspective. Everywhere we go, I'm wondering what she's perceiving, like all the inherently beautiful chirping and quacking sounds and rustling while walking near the pond, all the fragrances from the plants, wind, car tires swooshing by, the sun, clouds, even though she has her eyes shut most of the time. What a truly beautiful baby she is, so elegant! Her actions and voice and the way she does things are going along great.
Postscript 2022
We chose a midwifery to deliver our beautiful son in 2010, and his delivery was so much better- no complications or any contingent procedures for this or that, and our pediatrician wasn’t even present- only the midwife and assistant, and us. In fact, we were let out two or three hours after delivery. However, when the pediatrician finally got a crack at our son a few days later, she told us that his blood sample indicated he needed to be under the NICU lights, blindfolded and separated from Celine, but this time for 3 days! So there we were in a different hospital, worrying for three nights.
These events were part of my journey into researching and understanding the medical system, health, nutrition, control, etc. I suppose this is the nigredo process I went through to sublimate to my current level of understanding, although it’s not quite the stress that babies experience when squeezed through the birth canal. There were so many other rankling experiences from doctors, dentists, and the system. But I’ll spare you now, since this paints enough of a picture. I did include other details of my experiences here:
Thank god they both turned out to be the absolute cutest kids I have ever seen, seriously, not that I should be judging things that way. I love you two.
Let me know what you think, or describe your experiences in the comments below. Thanks for reading.
Won, your story warmed my heart and also broke my heart. It is absolutely tragic what the birthing process has become within the Big Pharma med-tech-cartel. I hope that your daughter, your ex-wife, and you are all fully recovered from all those traumatic, invasive medical interventions, all of which were unnecessary . . . and entirely intentional as per the main handlers: the Black Magicians who seek to enslave us because they hate that we are sparks and flames of the Divine.
I highly recommend Jeanice Barcelo for her amazing work with avoiding birth trauma and healing from it. She is offering a low-cost workshop regarding these important issues on November 16th, and here is the link (no, I don't get any perks for this referral):
https://birthofanewearth.com/2019/04/upcoming-webinar-birth-trauma-and-medical-abuse-during-childbirth-how-can-we-heal-ourselves-and-take-back-our-power/
The page shows 2019 but she is definitely doing the class next week. Also, paid attendees will get a video to download for re-viewing.
Maybe it's not the right fit for your family, and that's okay. I just thought of Jeanice *right away* when you started talking about the hospital stuff. It is SO BAD.😭🤯😫
My heart goes out to you all.💖